Week 5: The Pre Bowl

I learned two important lessons this week: 1. snarky comments don’t count as blog posts,  2. never join a team consisting primarily of writers if you have graphophobia.

This post was originally to be written by Varsity.  He was swamped with work.  The Edge gladly jumped in and offered to post, writing being both his vocation and avocation.  However, in reading “the snarky comment,” he suddenly remembered he was swamped with work.  I, on the other hand, am not swamped with work.  I am frantically trying to get ready to host my 5 year old’s Princess Butterfly Birthday.  She wants a magical fairy princess castle cake.  Since I have not been able to magically produce a fairy princess castle cake, I may have to resort to the old fashioned method: Baking.  I hate baking.  I think I want to blog.  Be forewarned, I blog as well as I bowl!

In order to understand Tuesday, I have to give you a little more insight into Sunday. Clearly, Al was in a happy place when she wrote Week 4.  Let’s just take a moment to read between the lines …

“Mayhem was the watchword of Sunday evening” Specifically, mayhem was The Hoff’s word of the night.  Each time her ball connected with the pins, whether it be 1 or 10, she would turn toward her team mates and yell “MAYHEM” while waving her hands wildly.  The Hoff claimed she was channeling Daniel Larusso, the original Karate Kid.  Twinkle Toes insisted she was perfecting Fosse jazz hands and really should take a dance class (or 10).  Clearly, The Hoff is secretly auditioning for the role of Sally Bowles in the Bowling Alley Production of Cabaret. 

“Pins flew willy nilly”  Let’s be honest here.  Pins were flying willy nilly for the other team.  This team came to bowl.  Their team average is 250.  There was no talking, no high fiving, no beer swilling.  Theirs was a game of precision.  They had no patience for Third Rail’s laughter, dancing and MAYHEM! 

“Beers spilled decadently”   I really don’t remember any beer spilling.  I suspect Al took some creative liberty here.  I did learn an important lesson Sunday.  Always buy the first round BEFORE the game begins.  I had offered to buy the first round Sunday; however, when I got the alley, I was actually focused on bowling.  Really!  My main goal was to find the perfect ball and get some practice bowls in.  Beer was the last thing on my mind.  I bowled two spares and a strike in pre-bowl.  I was ready.  The Hoff started us off with a POW! 

Pins went flying.  We all reached for our glasses for a celebratory drink only to realize, NO BEER!  Oops!  I ran to the bar to order a round, thinking I could make it back in time for my turn.  To my surprise, there was a line at the bar!  Specifically, two women ahead of me debating what they wanted to order for dinner.  Who orders dinner at the bowling alley?!?  After much debate, they decided on cheeseburgers and chardonnay.  Who drinks chardonnay with a cheeseburger!?!?   There were 2 women working behind the bar that night.  As one of the women went to unscrew the chardonnay, I waited for blondie to take my beer order.  I waited and waited.  Apparently, blondie is the keno girl.  Keno girls talk to barflies and sell Keno tickets.  Keno girls do not serve beer.  I waited some more as I watched the minutes click by on the clock wondering what deep discussions I was missing back at the lane.  One of my teammates ran in and yelled “WHERE IS OUR BEER!?”  Our beer was still in the keg.  I didn’t realize how long it took to unscrew the chardonnay.  I ran back to the lane to bowl.  The other team didn’t look happy.  They couldn’t bowl until I finished bowling.  I had disrupted their rhythm.  My team was not happy.  They still didn’t have a beer.  

“Club members were accused of using "potty mouth" at the Lanes”   I just want to make it clear that only one member of the team was accused of using “potty mouth”.  The accuser actually offered to bring a bar of soap to the alley next Sunday.  Beware.  We all were secretly thankful the bowling alley bathrooms have liquid soap dispensors.

“(now we know what Varsity lettered in)”  There has been some discussion on whether or not “Varsity” is really the best nickname for David since he never played on the varsity bowling team.  Al sweetly suggested we rename him “JV” to which he yelled “I HAVE NEVER PLAYED ON A JV TEAM IN MY LIFE!!!”  Can someone do a little fact checking here? 

“Yes, week four saw the TRBC solidly at home in the league”  Truer words have not been written.  The bowling alley is our Sunday night home away from home.  TRBC took over our lane like a bunch of oversized teenagers hanging out on a Friday night.  We laughed, we chatted, we teased, we drank.  Unfortunately, we forgot to bowl.  As we began our third game, I looked up and realized everyone else had finished bowling.  All the other teams had gone home.  TRBC had one game left.  Our opponents had to stay till we until we finished in order to calculate the evening’s score.   They did not look happy.  This is about the time Twinkle Toes was threatened with a bar of soap.  We stopped talking.  We stopped drinking.  We focused and bowled the fastest game in the history of TRBC.  We closed the place down. 

That was Sunday.  Now, onto Tuesday.

Due to busy schedules over the Columbus Day TRBC decided to pre-bowl on Tuesday night.  In the words of The Hoff, “Nothing good happens when Sunday is moved to Tuesday.”  I was the first to arrive Tuesday night and immediately noticed the alley had a different feel.  The lights were harsher, the crowd was smaller, the help behind the counter wasn’t as friendly.  I walked up to the counter and said I was here to bowl.  The guy looked at me and said they were full.  I looked out at the lanes and noticed only 30% were taken.  I told him my team had a reservation at 8pm.  He stared at me and said he did not have a reservation.  Did I mean candlepin?  Candlepin is downstairs.  CANDLEPIN?!?  Candlepin is for 5 year old birthday parties and first dates.  I’m here to BOWL!  I told him I was part of the Sunday night league here to pre-bowl.  Apparently, these are the magic words.  I passed the test.  He gave me a buzzer and told me he’d let me know when our lane was free. 

When I say “lane”, I actually mean “lanes.”  Pre-bowl is supposed to mimic Sunday night as much as possible.  To that end, we bowl 3 games against an imaginary team, alternating lanes each game; just as we would on Sunday’s with a real live in-the-flesh team.  Sound simple.  Not so much.  The problem is that since our imaginary team doesn’t bowl, we are bowling two games simultaneously.  As soon as the Hoff started us off on game 1, lane 32, she was immediately up again for game 2, lane 33.   Every time I looked up, it was the Hoff’s turn to bowl.  She didn’t have time to sit.  Heck, she didn’t have time to pick up her beer.  I, on the other hand, am the anchor of the team (i.e. LAST!  I actually looked that up!)  I felt like I was bowling a completely different game.  I sat. I drank. I put my feet up. Every once in awhile I got up, picked up a ball and made a feeble attempt to knock a few pins down.  I didn’t need to get up, the Hoff was up.  AGAIN!

As I sat, drinking my beer, waiting for my turn to bowl; I spotted the Hoff out of the corner of my eye.  Yes, it was her turn again!   As she leaned over to pick up her ball, I noticed her turning her head back and forth over the hand blower.  Her hair was flying.  She was trying her best to imitate D.  D., one of our Sunday night bowling friends is a shorter, bubblier version of Tia Carrere with long, think luxourious locks.  We all envy D hair.  Twinkle Toes suggested the Hoff start carrying around her own personal wind machine.  Clearly, the Hoff can rock D hair! 

We finished three games in remarkable time.  Tuesday night's pre-bowl scores:

The Hoff:  103,132,143
The Edge: 132, 110, 118
Twinkle Toes: 150, 147, 145

Flo: 85, 97, 90
Rounds of Beer: 2

Beer Spilled: None

L., the League’s treasurer, came over at the end of our game to collect our money and validate our score sheet.  She took one look at the Edge’s new-to-him shoes and promptly declared “those are going to fall apart”!  She decided to give us a bit of free advice.  In order to improve our scores, she highly recommended we invest in some well fitting bowling shoes and a reactive bowling ball with custom drilled finger holes.  Novice that I am had no clue reactive bowling balls even existed!  Apparently, there are four basic types of bowling balls:

Urethane bowling balls are softer than other makes. These bowling balls also drag on the wooden bowling lane, which increases their hook potential. For those who tend to bowl toward the gutter, this hook can help drag the ball back to the strike zone in the center of the lane. These bowling balls can be sanded or buffed to help limit the amount of hook if desired.

Reactive resin bowling balls are similar to urethane bowling balls in many ways. To create reactive resin bowling balls, small particles of resin are added to the same mixture used to make urethane bowling balls. Resin tends to be sticky, so it further increases the bowling ball’s grip on the lane and creates more hook potential. At the same time, resin bowling balls tend to skid across the oiled bowling lane and, therefore, reach faster speeds.

Particle bowling balls are reactive resin balls with small ground pieces of glass added to the mix. This glass increases the bowling ball’s grit, which helps it grip the lane. Professional bowlers generally prefer particle bowling balls because they help make spin and hook easier to control.

Plastic bowling balls are the most common type because they are the cheapest to manufacture. Made from polyester, plastic bowling balls handle intense wear and last much longer than urethane, reactive resin, or particle bowling balls. Professional bowlers avoid plastic bowling balls because they tend to skid across an oiled bowling lane rather than roll, which makes them harder to control.

I had no idea bowling was going to be such an investment!  Bonds, balls, shoes, shirts.  This is seriously cutting into my beer money.

I’m off to study the structural components of fairy princess castles.  I wouldn’t want the castle sliding into the moat, at least until the picture is taken!